My · Soap · Opera · Life

You know that saying that says "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" ? I have learned to hate that saying. I wish I could find the person who said that and just hit him.

My mom is not doing well at all. She has Congestive Heart failure and it seems to be getting worse. They can't perform surgery on her because she is not strong enough. All they can do it treat it with numerous drugs and hope that it doesn't get worse. I took her to the hospital because she could barely walk or do anything for herself. Her breathing wasn't good and she just looked so sick. She's was in there for over a week and now she is going to go to a rehab place so that they can get her up and walking again. I don't know how long she is going to be in there for but I have this deep fear that she is never coming home.

I hate saying that but I think that it is true. In a perfect world, she would have never gotten sick and she would be at home right now yelling at me for being on the computer. I really wish that this was a perfect world. I honestly don't know what I am going to do without her. She's always been there for me and it scares me to think of a world without her. Once she is gone, I will be by myself. There will be no more family for me. It's times likes these that I hate being an only child.

The thing that gets me the most is my friends. They are always asking me how she is and what's going on. I'm grateful that they are there for me but sometimes I just want to yell: "I don't want to talk about it!" Everytime I have to tell one of them what is going on is like a knife being put in my chest. It hurts so much and all I want to do is forget about it. I just want my mom back.

Please let me have my mom back.....

I've been remembering a lot of things lately. Things that seemed so important at the time. I remember rushing to get ready for Genesis. I remember how I couldn't wait till the weekend because that meant that I was going to be hanging out with friends. I remember never bring home on a Friday or Saturday night because I had "things" to do. I remember taping all my favorite TV shows so that I could watch them over and over again till a new episode came on. Times sure have changed now. It doesn't seem like it was so long ago but it really has been.

Now I don't have Genesis and it suits me just fine. Now, I am home on a Friday and Saturday night because I don't have anything to do. Now my friends and I are so busy with real life that we don't hang out all that much. Now I don't have that many TV shows that I watch and I don't tape them anymore. Now if you want to see an episode that you missed you can get it online or wait till the box set comes out. Most of these things were supposed to help people so that life would be easier but I have to ask, was it so hard to begin with?

It seems like everyone just wants thing to go faster and I will admit that I am one of them sometimes. But what's wrong with taking things slow? Why can't we just shut of the computers, the cell phones, the PDA's and MP3 players and just hang out with friends? Why can't we just pick up a paper and look to see what movies are playing or go to the local restaurant at 2 am to have breakfast? We used to be people that would take out time on things and now we just rush through everything. Again I ask, was life really all that hard before high-speed?

A long time ago in a land far away, there were a group of friends. Even thought they weren't related with blood, they acted and loved like siblings.

That's how my life story would of started in High School if I was to have written it then. Now it's a whole complete different story. I've been thinking and dreaming about the past a lot lately. I guess I'm just one of many that can't let go of "what used to be." I've been thinking about how my group of friends used to call and hang out almost everyday. I know that people change and times change but I have always felt like there was something else going on. Like something caused us to separate.

At first, I thought it was because a few of them got married. Then I thought it was because a few of them got jobs. Then I just assumed it was because we grew older and had way my problems then we did when we were younger. But now I don't think that was it at all. I guess in a way, I always felt like it was something else but I didn't want to go there. Now I think I am going to have to.

It's taken me so many years to get to the point of where I want to find out what happened. I am scared of what might happen, I am mad at everyone for letting it go this far and I am so lonely because I feel like I am the only one that would do this. You're probably wondering by now what "this" is, aren't you?

I finally nailed down what I think the cause of our friendships breaking up is. It was when one of us started to date a man named Joe. Let me explain a little bit about Joe. He was never a real friend of ours. He was, and still is, a very arrogant man. He thought that whatever he said, we should do it. He would make fun of us and torment us. Some of us choose to fight back but by then he already had his claws in Angie. The next thing we know, he's spreading lies about John, one of our close friends, and causing us in a way to take sides. I hated him so much for that. In the end, Joe married Angie and the rest of us just kind of stood back because we didn't want to lose her. I never learned to trust him. That should have been a huge red flag going off for me, but I left it alone.

Now it's almost 5 years later. The group is down to 3 instead of the 6 it was. Angie is still married to Joe and we hardly see her or talk to her. John is married to Katie and we haven't talked to him in years. Rachel moved on and doesn't talk to any of us.
The three (Jessie, Kat and I) try to call, email, and see each other at least once a week. We have felt left out, betrayed and down right mad at what has happened to our friendships. But I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm going to start to fight and find our exactly what happened. Maybe everything is all in my head but I have to know. Even if it is too little too late.

I guess we never really give up our roles. I was the strong one then and I am going to have to be the strong one now. God, I feel like the weight of the world in my shoulders right now. Guess I should tell you what I plan on doing huh?

I'm going to be sending a letter to John. I'm just going to ask him why he gave up my friendship. I'm not going to point fingers, blame or get angry. Hopefully he will answer but I have a deep fear that he won't. That I will never have the answers that I really want.

You never know till you try.

Today I was watching one of the many morning shows and they had an interesting topic on there today. Turns out that there was this guy that had postcards made up so that people could put their most unknown secret on them and send them back to him. He didn't know who the people were and didn't really care. He was just interested on people were keeping bottled up inside. Boy did he learn a lot of things. He showed some of them because he wrote a book about them and I was just so shocked on what kind of response that he had. It got me to think about what mine would say. I narrowed it down to 2 so I thought that I would share them.

My father was a cheater and I hated him for it. But now that he is dead, I miss him so much every day.

I feel that I will never be truly free till my mom passes away.

Once I thought of both of these, it made me really sad. I don't want my mom to die anytime soon but I still can't help those feelings. I will never tell her that feeling because I know that it would kill her to hear me say that. I just wish life was easier. On the note about my dad, I really do miss him. I miss the way that he would read to me. I miss the way that he loved Sci-Fi shows. I just miss seeing his face. To tell the truth, I never thought that I would feel this way. He wasn't the greatest of dad's and he did cheat a lot. But I do know that he loved me. Just like my mom does.

I don't know what it is about Halloween but I have always loved that hoilday. I think it might be the fact that I could dress up anyway that I want. Or it could be that I have always loved a good story about witches, vampres, ghosts and goblins. You would think that since I was raised in a strick Catholic home, I wouldn't be interested in that kind of stuff. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in any type of the occult. I just have always loved reading fiction stories and watching good movies. Now that it is October, I am starting to get in the mood for some good scary movies. I have already watched the Halloween episodes from "Roseanne" and I plan on watching some the Simpsons as soon as I can rent it.

I still have to figure out my costume for the big day. I was thinking about going as a cat but I don't want it to be too plain. Last year I was an Angel and I got teased so much about it. I don't understand why people think that I'm not an angel. I really am. I'm just one that likes to speak her mind. If we had more people like that in the world, maybe it would be a heck of alot better place then it is. I'm just saying.

Okay, kind of went off topic there.... Sorry about that. Anyway, I know that we plan on decorating this year at work so I am looking forward to that. We even got a pumpkin. I can't wait till we carve it.

I decided to do something about my lack of a love life. I went and signed up for eHarmony. Yep, I went and shelled out some money so that others can match me up with the perfect man. Let me tell you, it has been nothing but a disappointment. I've been on there for over 2 months and I haven't gotten anyone to respond to me. I'm starting to feel really frustrated about it. One of my co-workers is on it and she has already been on at least 2 dates from there. Granted she probably isn't following all the rules but it still pisses me off. How come she can get guys and I can't? I'm really starting to think that maybe I am supposed to be single. I haven't been on a date in ages and no one hits on me anymore. Correction, no one that I would ever date hits on me. I tend to attract the guys that have no job and are from a foreign country. That or they are just looking for sex. Do I have a sign on my head that says "Will sleep with you if you ask" ? Maybe this is God's way of trying to tell me something. If it is, I wish he would just come out and say it already.

I guess I really started to think about dating and such since I turned 27 years old. I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm just sitting there watching it. I thought that I would be married by now. Hell, I thought that I would have already had my first kid by now. I just really want to have a relationship. Someone else that I can count on and help me with my problems. Is that too much to ask???

As always, I don't know the answer but hopefully someday I will.

For a while now, I've had the same dream over and over again. It's about me moving far away from all the people in my life and I am completely happy about it. Normal people would be sad to move but I guess I'm not normal. I really don't want to be around these people anymore. They make me so angry and sometimes so sick. Usually in the dream, I have won the lotto and I make sure that my mom is taken care off. I dream of myself having a cute little appartment, having a good job, having a fun and eventfull social life and of course, I meet a great guy who loves me. Right about then is where I wake up and realize that once again it's all a dream. It's a life that I will never have but I want so badly.
I guess the reason that I started having the dream is that my birthday is coming up. I'm trying not to get excited about it because I am always dissappointed. Maybe I set my expectations to high or something but I always end up feeling really down. Not to mention that every hoilday or birthday in my house is absolute HELL thanks to my mom. I think she gets a kick out of ruining those for me. She's done it since I was little so I don't think she is going to stop any time soon. So I sit here and wonder exactly what she, my friends and world are going to do to ruin my birthday. Pretty bad huh?

Haven't writen anything in a long time. I haven't really had the urge to do it I guess. My life kind of went out of control there for a while and I had to get it back on track. Nothing really bad happened but it just seemed like all the little things decided to gang up on me all at once. I still think someone of something is out to get me.

Anyway, I left my Church because I didn't trust the Pastor. That was a very hard thing for me to come to terms with because I have always been raised to believe that Pastors are right and everything. It started as just a simple need to talk to him about some issues that I was seeing. It turned into him telling me that my thoughts and feelings don't count. That of course was after we had been talking on the phone for about a week. He didn't answer questions, didn't tell the truth, and didn't practiced what he preached. I look back and shake my head over all the things that he said and did. For the first time in my life, I started to think that maybe I shouldn't be in church. Maybe life would have been easier if I had just never became a Christian. I still have those thoughts but I am bouncing back from them. I am currently looking for a new church and I think that I am going to be even more careful about the next one. I am not going to jump ahead and try to do so much.

Let's see if I actually do it.

It seemed like today, everybody was trying to get me mad. If it wasn't this one guy that I work with, it was my friends. Usually I just let it go but I have been sick for the past two days so I am extra cranky. Plus add in the fact that I had to go back to work today and that isn't a good combo. I'll tell you how this all started: Has anyone ever done one of those surveys that asks you a whole bunch of questions about yourself? Well, I got so many sent to me I was starting to wonder if someone was out to get me. So for once I decide to answer this thing and send it out to everyone who sent it to me. I figured that it would shut them up for at least a little while. Well, I answered first and then I decided to read what everyone else's said. Let me just say that it was a big mistake to do that. Always read first, answer later. When it came down to the question of "Who has been your friend the longest?" I answered as truthfully as I could. I put down my 4 oldest friends and moved on to the other questions. Meanwhile, they put down everyone else but me. The funny thing is that I INTRODUCED ALL OF THEM TO EACH OTHER. I was the common denominator for all of them. If it hadn't have been for me, none of them would have meet. I felt so angry and upset that I emailed them all and asked what was going on. Only one has answered and her excuse was that she didn't think I would respond, much less read, the email. I then asked her what would it matter if I hadn't read or replied to it? The truth doesn't change for anything. I was one of her longest friends. I should have been included. Her response to that question you wonder??? "I don't really see why you are so upset, your taking this the wrong way." Now I ask you, how else am I supposed to take this? Some of my oldest friends, whom I consider sisters, don't write me down as one of their longest friends. I felt so betrayed by all of them.
I am always there for them whenever they need me and it seems like whenever I need them, they aren't there. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I think that I will go and lay down. This cold medicine is starting to kick in and I am getting sleepy. Oh look, one of the idiots is trying to call me. Time to shut off the phone.

First off, let me just say that I am in no way a great writer. Scratch that, I am not a writer period. I don't write poetry or anything profound. I just like to write about life. It could be about a funny story that I heard or it could be what ticked me off for that day. Consider that your warning.

My life is a Soap Opera. Not in the sense that I have a long lost sister who happens to be married to my ex husband who really isn't my ex because we didn't sing the divorce paper. But in the way that if I was ever to write down everything that happened to me on a daily basis, I could probably sell it to the nearest Soap and get paid a bundle. One of my closet friends and I talk on the phone almost every night. She came up with theme music for my Soap Opera and she knows that whenever I say, "Play my Theme Music" she better sit down and get some coffee. I know that in the grand scheme of things, my life isn't bad. I try to remember that with this saying that I heard a long time ago: "God Doesn't give you anything that you can't handle, I just wish that he didn't trust me so much." It makes me take a step back and laugh. Gets me to think about all the other people in the world who are far worse then me. I know that I have no right to sit here and complain but sometimes it just feels good to vent and wallow.

In my life, my role was set in stone a long time ago. I am the strong one. I am the one that everyone talks to about their life, that eveyone goes to if they have a problem, that everyone expects to have all the answers. I am the one that is not aloud to break down, that is not aloud to have a bad day. I am in no way a push over. Believe me when I say that I will tell you what is on my mind. Everyone knows that about me. That's why I am the strong one. They know that I won't back down about something or someone that I care about. Sometimes I dream about running away. About just leaving everything and getting a new identity and just starting over. About going someplace where no one knows me and no one depends on me. But then I start to worry about what my mom would do and about how my friends would take it. Here is some advice though: If anyone out there has a friend that is the "strong one" than know that sometimes they are lost, scared, lonely, and tired. That it would mean the entire world to them if you would just give them a hug and tell them what they mean to you. It would make life a whole easier.

That's it for now. I'll write again soon. Comment if you want.